Is this Friendship?

I've been looking back at this friendship with a person. She's very outspoken and hyperactive. She's a natural-born leader who takes command of a crowd. She's popular with the boys with her as she's very well-dressed every single day and wears flawless and flaterring make up. She's also honest and open with her close friends, including me.

But a downside to her personality is that whenever she's in a moody phase, she tackles anybody who dares to make a wrong muscle twitch in her direction. She's very sensitive to many issues. Being moody isn't a bad thing. It's when she directs all her hormonal-driven emotions to people who are not even concerned with her problems. It's like having a machine gun while blindfolded and just pull the trigger, uncaring of who gets hit.

I'm naturally a tactless person and more often than not, I tend to hurt people without me knowing. It's a bad habit of mine but sometimes I can't help it. It's a bad combination to put 2 persons together: tactless and sensitivity do not go well; and we've had our fair share of disagreements and major fights.

But now... I'm drawing the line. I know I did not do anything wrong. I don't want to apologize for something I did not commit. She doesn't want to talk about it, I want to talk about it. So it will never happen. I know this is my pride talking, but I also want to come out of this experience with lessons learned. Sometimes, you can't get along with other people, no matter what you try. You want to reach out and you're the type of person who wants to tackle issues but not everyone's like that.

If I am the one who always folds and just apologizes just to get it over and done with, is it really friendship? Is this what you call compromise?

I've learned to accept a person for who s/he is. But when that person does not accept me for who I am... I am not sure if this will work out.

.gawd.

I just about lost it tonight. I was screaming my head off at someone... but thank God I was able to control myself before actually shouting at the poor guy.

It's this feeling of giving up the control I have over my emotions (hormonal, I admit). Sometimes, it's just so easy to let go and see what happens next. It's crazy. Short fuse.

I had dinner with Joey at Amici and was glad that I have someone to keep my happy and sane. He had a bad day too and I guess we were both trying to quell the emotions. In the end, we had fun (time flew fast) and we were both able to cancel out each other's negative energies =) Yey us.

Now that I'm home, control is slowly slipping. Must. Get. This. Under. Control. I was rolling my eyes at every retort I thought was too lame. If a mind reader was nearby, they'll never expect me to think of such things... hehe, my mind is a terrible, wasted thing =p We all have our secret fantasies and desires. I think I'll just do what I usually do to keep me occupied and at least let out some of the hormonal imbalance I'm having... ;) SLEEP!

What to choose

I'm faced with another dilemma. This time, it's between me and myself. Time and again, I have been in constant battle with my raw emotions and no-nonsense logical self. Usually, it's the logic who always wins (after all, there is a reason why the head was higher than the heart). This time, my heart chose to fight back.

And fight back it did.

What do you do when your logical side fails to see the meaning of the emotion conveyed by the heart? Or maybe, there is no logic in all of this...? That you'll just go crazy trying to understand it all. Sometimes, the heart understands things the mind cannot comprehend. It just makes sense even without trying to make sense of it.

I'm warring with myself if I should chose to follow my heart (again) over my mind. It's very difficult to change overnight. Something that feels so right for the heart feels so wrong for the mind. And something that the mind sees as rational is something that is cruel for the heart.

What to do? What to choose?

Suddenly

The sun seems brighter today. The leaves are greener than usual. The stars twinkle as if winking back at me. =)

I've been looking at life more clearly now. The world seems to weigh less on my shoulders. The problems don't look so tough anymore. It's easier to smile.

This feeling of elation, I feel high and yet everything's so vivid.

I found my angel. I didn't know I could feel happier.

Runaway

Been neglecting my blog =P

Lately I haven't been in the mood to write. But I'm not depressed. On the contrary, I'm learning a lot and everything has been peachy. You can even say I'm happier, though I'm not the kind of person who announces her emotions.

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I turned 3 shades darker and loving it! Went to Camarines Sur with my officemates and I can definitely say this is my summer getaway. Though I didn't go wakeboarding, I still had fun sunbathing, island hopping in Caramoan, taking pictures of my officemates getting their asses wiped during wakeboarding.

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I rediscovered Intramuros with Joey 2 weeks ago. We went on a walking tour with Carlos Celdran. He was quirky and had this comic take on Manila's past. What I loved about his tours is that it's never boring and he had very fascinating trivia about out country, its history with its colonizers (Spain, US) and where we are now. I think I evened out my skin tone during that tour. We ended our day with a dimsum fest in the best place for Chinese food:Binondo!

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We are towards the end of my project, mySAP NEA. We're ending by July this year. At the same time, i'm marking my 3rd year in HP. I'm finally getting a new laptop! My old one's dying on me and it's very very very slow =(

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We're praying that our Visa applications get approved. My dad already sent a copy of his Schengen so we can submit it to the French embassy here. Hopefully all goes well. It's my parents' 25th Wedding Anniversary and they decide to spend it in Europe. France and Italy, here we come!

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We have an additional member to our family, Maki was found astray just outside our house. He's a stray cat with yellow and white fur. He has the biggest blue-grey eyes that beg for our attention. He's also disciplined. He pees in one corner of the house so it's easier to clean after him. He's very inquisitive but scampers for cover when it's too loud or noisy at home.

Valentines

My fellow officemates in H block were going ga-ga since Monday. Frantically, they called flowershops and restaurants to order flowers and book dinners for Saturday. They even asked me if I know restaurants that have rave reviews. They were cursing at the prices of the set menus, flower arrangements and other gimiks they have planned for their significant others for Valentines. Too bad, I was too busy in my place to take humor and sympathize with them.

I really don't celebrate this special day for people in relationships because (1) I'm not in a relationship; (2) I don't believe that you have to have a specific day to express your love to your significant other. Still, being a girl, emotions, hormones and all, it really feels nice when someone shows their affection to you... special day or no.

I just remembered my Valentines last year... =)

My press release to people back in the office is that I don't celebrate Valentines. Whether they interpret it as bitterness for lack of a boyfriend (which is not, by the way) or they think that I'm a heartless bitch whose emotions can never be read easily, I didn't bother to correct them.

One initiative happening that time was a harana session with Jam@HP. I was very much surprised when they sang me two songs in the pantry. That was one of the sweetest things done to me on Valentines (sweetest = the only thing so far). Of course, I will never forget that Valentines was the date of me and ex-bf's anniversary waaay back in high school. We had a simple lunch and watched a movie in Makati. It was simple but may I just say he really won me over. It sort of nailed the fact that I was in love with the guy.

Anyway, Valentines is just around the corner. I'm not saying I'm looking forward to really savvy and suave moves.. I just want it to be uneventful (aka no bad things happening). And the next time someone serenades me, I just hope that he finally reveals himself to me. I don't bite. :)

2008 Survey

I got this from my archive. I'll try to compare what I did 2 years ago.. and then see where I am now =)

What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? --> I travelled by myself from Kobe to Nara to Osaka and back to Kobe, all in one day!
2008 --> Sucked up my pride for a friend. I didn't know I could do this to people outside my family.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? -->I didn't
have New Year's resolutions last year..
2008-->... and I'm not starting now! =P

Did anyone close to you give birth? --> Piah and Ingrid gave birth to adorable baby girls!
2008-->None, I think.

Did anyone close to you die?--> Nope
2008--> None, I think.

What countries did you visit? --> Japan, Singapore, Indonesia
2008--> Japan, Singapore (baduy na)

What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? -->uhh...a boyfriend... seriously, be more disciplined, I guess.
2008--> maturity.. :p

What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? --> July 2... our Gillette Japan Project had cutover. Work hours were crazy.. it was exhausting but rewarding.
2008--> December 20... my 2nd operation (but my first major). Had my appendix removed. It crashed into my plans during Christmas. Can't say I was sad/frustrated... but I wasn't happy either.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?--> Finally getting my own room... going to my dream country.
2008--> Conquering my fear of heights and enclosed spaces... at the same time. Oha!

What was your biggest failure? --> Failing myself.
2008--> Not meeting my self-imposed deadlines and goals.

Did you suffer illness or injury? --> Was sick for 3 weeks last November/December... worst feeling in the world. I told my mom I couldn't take a sick leave and just catch up on rest by HP shutdown. My mom retorted back: will you still be alive by then?!! =(
2008--> Had appendicitis and spilled over into 2009.

What was the best thing you bought? --> My cellphone.. I've always wanted a flip phone
2008--> A spa date with my best friend. It was the life!

Whose behavior merited celebration? --> mine. hahaha!
2008--> Toby's

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? --> A certain officemate. The ultimate orc.
2008--> I have some friends who were not afraid to say their mind. Despite the fact that I admire them for that (and I am like that too, sometimes), there are times when they just pry into my life and give their own judgment without any regard to my feelings or reactions.

Where did most of your money go? --> credit card bills
2008--> some are in the bank.. most are in my room (makeup, shoes, bags, dresses)

What did you get really, really, really excited about? --> Going to other countries! I'm a travel junkie... and talking to my Ideal
2008-->

What song(s) will always remind you of 2007? --> Suicidal.. =)
2008--> Christopher Cross' Sailing -- just a dream and the wind to carry me, soon I will be free!

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? -- happier =)
ii. thinner or fatter? -- thinner!
iii. richer or poorer? -- richer
2008--> happier, thinner and richer! Hayluvet!

What do you wish you'd done more? --> Wrote more about my travels and experiences this year.. lately I don't have time anymore to write...
2008--> scan a few more albums of our old photos

What do you wish you'd done less of? --> Buy coffee... drinking
2008--> spending

How many one-night stands? --> None
2008--> I never kiss and tell :p

What was your favorite TV program? --> Prison Break and Grey's Anatomy.. helped me through SIT and BAT phases of Gillette
2008--> Tudors, Will & Grace

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? --> yes....
2008--> I don't like grudges

What was the best book you read? --> Band of Brothers; Harry Potter book 7
2008--> World Without End by Ken Follett; Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer; 100 Things a Stylish Girl Must Own by Nina Garcia

What was your greatest musical discovery? --> i dunno
2008--> Chrismas Jazz songs

What did you want and get? --> To travel to Japan (finally!)
2008--> touch snow for the first time with my siblings

What was your favorite film of this year? --> Transformers! Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
2008-->Bolt

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? --> Turned 22 and treated my officemates to dessert.
2008--> 23rd birthday. Had lunch with my family in Serendra and went home to sleep.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? --> Liking my job.
2008-->Reading more books

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? --> Feminine chic in the office... college look in the mall.. a total babe at parties (haha, that's just me)
2008--> more mature...? but still quirky

What kept you sane? --> Friends... sleep... knowing there's a tomorrow to dump my troubles in before going to sleep
2008--> my relationship with God tremendously improved

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? --> Johnny Depp
2008--> Barack Obama

What political issue stirred you the most? --> senators winning the MMFF....
2008--> scandals.. hahaha

Who did you miss? --> Toby
2008-->???

Who was the best new person you met? --> ideal... *giggles*
2008--> It's this person based in Germany. He was fun to talk to. No romance here, sorry.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007? --> what you want may not be what's best for you... so just find other ways to get it (think out of the box)
2008--> know when to fight your battles and know when to retreat

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself? --> that I was irreplaceable =)
2008--> that I'm not like most girls.

The most touching experience you've had this year?--> my PM defending me
2008--> that I finally realized a lot of people care for me

What did you like most about yourself this year? --> Doing more than what I thought I could handle.
2008--> I was being more active in the Church. And I love the fact that if I were to choose between my work and Church, you'll be blown away by my answer.

What did you hate most about yourself this year? --> financially struggling
2008--> I still don't know how to cook! I'll kill myself!

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year? --> In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love. 525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
2008--> You gave me a reason for my feeling, and I love what I'm feeling. You gave me a meaning to my life, yes I've gone beyond existence. And it all began, when I met you. =)

Was 2007 a good year for you? --> definitely!
2008--> yep!

What was your favorite moment of the year? --> getting a vacation!
2008--> going to Tokyo with my siblings. We experienced everything!

What was your least favorite moment of the year? --> getting broke!
2008--> got into a fight with a friend

Where were you when 2007 began?--> at home
2008--> still at home.. recovering from an operation

Who were you with? --> family
2008--> family

Where will you be when 2008 ends? --> probably still at home
2008--> same as before

Who will you be with when 2008 ends? --> still with family... and maybe with ideal on the side
2008--> same as before.. only with a special someone in the background

Do you have a new years resolution for 2008? --> yes
2009-->oh, I had resolutions last year???

What was your favorite month of 2007? --> Feb.. experiencing winter in Japan for the first time! no snow though...
2008--> April.. went to Japan again. This time in Tokyo. Experienced snow in Mt. Fuji with my brother and sister. And then we adventured into Kyoto via Shinkansen (bullet train)

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007? --> yes... a few friends fell along the way...
2008--> not that I'm aware of

Did you miss anybody in the past year? --> Hyung and Jem
2008--> still them

What was your favorite record from 2007? --> none
2008--> I really don't understand this question...

How many concerts did you see in 2007? --> *gasp* none!
2008--> none.. not much of a concert-goer

Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2007? --> I drank more than the previous year
2008--> nope. I drank less!

Do a lot of drugs in 2007? --> no
2008--> no

You do anything you are ashamed of this year? --> many... i forgot them all
2008--> of course. The trick there is not letting people know you did it.

How much money did you spend in 2007? --> a lot!
2008--> a lot

What was your proudest moment of 2007? --> Being praised by my Japanese counterparts. I blushed that moment.. and I tell you... I don't blush!
2008--> My siblings are reaching their dreams

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007? --> Being wrong at something I thought I was so sure about...
2008--> saying that I'm independent and all that girl-power shit and after a while, running back and asking for help.

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be? --> none. I loved every minute of it, mistakes and all!
2008--> none.

What are your plans for 2008? --> Learn new roles. Be more engaged and proactive.. at home and at work.
2009--> learn how to cook

How are you different now that the year has ended? --> I've learned how to deal with different people. More tolerant and culturally sensitive... I'm more serious about saving up for an apartment... More fashion conscious... Learning to love my curvy body
2008--> I've learned a lot from experience. Nothing beats first person perspective

What are your wishes for the new year? --> To get to travel again.. either for business or pleasure
2009--> learn

Contemplations

I can't, for the life of me, figure out what's wrong with my stupid stitch... It's been more than a month and it still hurts like the operation happened last week. The skin around the wound is still hard.. kinda what a hardened bruise feels like. And it still hurts when I stretch too much or when I'm lying flat on my back or stomach.

And here I was praying a thousand prayers that I am fully healed before our Camarines Sur wakeboarding special extravaganza. Mom told me not to count on it.

I talked to my aunt in Seattle last December and in the US, there's a modern method of taking out the useless appendage and not be confined in the hospital. Oh, I really love my 3rd world country.

Here I am, moping on how my Christmas, New Year and birthday went. Christmas and New Year could've been better. Birthday was very steady. I was thinking that since my birthday was very quiet.. very uneventful, I'm thinking of having a party next year. You know, to commemorate my silver year in this world. =) A friend of mine is throwing a bash on her 24th bday coz her birthday falls on the 24th of the month. 24 on 24 daw ang theme. My birthday's on the 12th... past tense. Though if you check my maturity level, I'm around that age.

Oh, and I'm going to ask for a new bike next year. =P

24 Gifts

I spent my birthday at home, in bed. There was no big celebration. For dinner, we had homemade spaghetti and pizza and KFC chicken. No ice cream, no cake. It was all fine with me. I didn't have any plans that day, except to take a leave from work. Jeff called the day before and asked me what I'll be doing on my birthday. He said it was a waste not to have any celebrations. I just said I didn't feel like doing anything spectacular anyway. Hehe, I didn't even feel like I'm 24 years old anyway.

I went to mass and got a special blessing. I got text messages from people and 2 people called me. I also got posts from Facebook and YM. It was a typical day away from work for me. For me, all that mattered was that I have all the people I love with me when I spend my birthday.

Since I'm nearing my silver year (quarter life crisis???), I've decided to make a list of my 24 gifts. The theme here is materialism and selfishness.. in a good way. =p I do hope I accomplish or receive them before I turn 25. Some of them were already granted (yey!).

in no particular order:

1. Weigh 110-115 pounds
2. Raise at least half for my own condo or apartment
3. A vanity/nude/haute couture photoshoot
4. Full-day spa ~GRANTED!
5. Bouncy curls for my hair
6. Ken Follett novels I don't have yet (Night over water, Lay down with Lions, A Dangerous Fortune, Triple, The Man from St. Petersburg, Whiteout, A place called Freedom)
7. Satin pumps
8. A special someone (not necessarily a boyfriend.. but a guy who's more than a friend)
9. A spankin' new PC.. custom built with all the software and 2TB of space for photos and videos
10. A trip to Corregidor (this place always eludes me)
11. Beach trip
12. Travel to a new city (local or international)
13. A new tennis racket (Prince please)
14. A beanbag
15. Little dresses (white and black) ~GRANTED!
16. Raybans (Wayfarers or small Aviators) ~GRANTED!
17. Starbucks Manila tumbler
18. War-movie marathon (at least 8 hours nonstop!)
19. Haagen Dazs ice cream sundae
20. Tailor-fit slacks
21. A new watch (Swatch or Fossil)
22. Lego City (I miss this).. or a simple Lego bucket
23. SK-II skin brightening source or milk emulsion lotion
24. Very nice underwear =D

Higher Spirits

Spending vacation at home wasn't as bad as it sounded. After all, I usually go out with friends and 'non-friends' to make the most of the vacation. What I felt earlier was like withdrawal. You know, you're so used to drive away at the start of the day, bond with friends and then go home at the start of the day, tomorrow (hehe, only in extreme and very rare cases). Now I'm just at home, sharing a room with my sister (which we have not done in more than 2 years.. after we got our own rooms/dorm/apartment. I cleaned out the PC which was dumped with GB of old data. I also got to think about my New Year's Resolution.

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Spent Christmas Eve with my family and cousins at home. Toby was also allowed to join us inside the house for supper. Had Merlot wine with dad.. but I still like Cabernet-Sauvignon (not because it sounded more nice.. mapakla ang lasa ng Merlot) or Reisling white wine.

On Christmas Day, my niece came to visit. She's an adorable 1 year old who knows how to pray and pose for the camera. My kind of girl!

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The only time I was able to bond with my friends in the office was last Saturday. I thought I was up to it. Nabinat ata ako.. hehehe. Had to take a raincheck for the next HoHoL (hang out hang out lang!).

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Today marks the last day of taking antibiotics and painkillers. Hurrah! I still don't want to let go of the painkillers tho...

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This morning, I was emcee for our Parish activity for kids! It's the Gift-Giving Day Celebration for kids in our community. Since it was held in the Covered Courts in the village, decided to walk instead of bringing a car. Exercise nalang diba! There were over 200 kids who were participating and it was up to me and Bryan to keep them on their toes. Fr. Rodel and Fr. Terence were there. Sayang Fr. Terence couldn't understand a word we said.. Filipino kasi yung buong program for the benefit of the kids.

We had the pabitin and stop/statue dance for the kids. There were prizes and goodies! Then in the end, we gave them a gift, some canned food and 10 kilos of rice per family (if ever, siblings have to share 10K). We also gave out free cotton candy and sorbetes.

All in all, it was fun-filled day for community and fellowship and reaching out to children. I gained a lot of friends, especially from the other ministries in the parish like the Altar Servers and the Lay Ministers.

In the end, my side was starting to ache from all the excitement but I guess it was worth it. It's not hurting so much now.

:)

Why can't I?

I've been feeling depressed since I got out of the hospital. It's not a big thing, though. I'm still in the festive and yuletide spirit with my family here. But of course, I can't help but wonder about the fun and memories I might have experienced had I not been rushed to the hospital because of stupid Hudson (see blog below).

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder why this had to happen on the day before we were supposed to go to Ilocos... why? why? Why didn't I feel the pain during normal days when it's so boring and there's not much to do but work work work. That would've put my sick leave days to good use instead of staying at home during vacation. So yeah, I was not the happiest person when all my friends enjoyed their vacation in Ilocos while I was writhing in agony at some gurney in Medical City.

People would actually berate me for being too busy with everything. And it has nothing to do with exhaustion or fatigue if you sleep at least 7 hours a night. Of course there's your career, but I'm also very active in Church (can you honestly tell me to quit my Church involvement?). And I like going out on weekends. I'm not a bar person (I actually hate the stench of alcohol, sweat and cigarettes) but I'd rather spend a good day outside.. probably at the mall or at Boni High Street either with a good book or with a friend.

And you can't blame me if I want to go out-of-town with friends. Sagada, La Union, Vigan, Albay... the journey can be as fun as the destination if you're with a group of people you share interests and wavelengths ;) I don't go on trips just to please this group of people.. why should I waste my good money on others?!

As biatchy as this may sound, I'm proud to say that I'm young, single, has money to burn and will not be domesticated (yet, much to my mom's chagrin). I have all the time in the world and the opportunities to go out and paint the town red. The world is mine to explore, after all!

Farewell, Hudson!

Hudson, my lifelong appendix succumbed to inflammation and near-explosion experience. Instead of going to Ilocos with my HP Officemates, I was quickly rushed to the hospital that fateful Friday morning.

I was prodded and poked like a lab specimen. Even if doctors have this professional approach, I can't help but feel helpless and humiliated at some point. They took all samples of everything I have. The procession of instruments and machines for the first day in the hospital seemed endless. And through it all, I bore it under excruciating pain in my abdomen.

Being the mamaru that I am, I thought it was just ulcer. In the past few days, my meals have been a bit irregular. I gave priority to my work and ate on my workplace. One by one, they eliminated possible causes of the pain.. UTI, Reproductive Causes, Stones, etc..

The next morning, I was sent to Surgery to have my appendix removed. The procedure itself was fairly quick but the recovery was hell. I woke up to nausea and throbbing in my stomach. My lower half was still numb but my upper body was screaming: pain. I begged for painkillers, anything to knock me out or to numb my head. The nurse said he'd injected something but I didn't feel any relief. I threw up on my side, into a bowl. The heaving was painful and it contracted my stomach. I felt my stitches would tear up. I haven't eaten for 2 days now and all I threw up was bile and probably some medicine. It felt nasty and tasted rotten.

I wanted to go up to my room now. I wanted to be with my mom. Finally, 7 hours after my operation, they wheeled me back to the room. I was bedridden for the day. I had to pee in a bedpan which was the most uncomfortable situation ever! I wanted to get up but mom feared I would tear my stitches.

I was in recovery for the next day. I was in IV, painkillers and antibiotics. I was being fed through the IV. I got up for the first time to go to the bathroom and the world spun in a vertigo. I felt I was going to throw up again. The headache was hell and the lights were blinding me. They gave me painkillers again. My dad, brother and sister finally arrived and they distracted me from the pain. Eventually, they had to leave and once again, I was with my mom. I hugged her that night and thanked her for being there for me. I don't think I would have recovered fast had she not been there, taking care of my needs and for being my emotional cheerleader.

I was discharged on Dec. 22, just in time for my sister's birthday. They changed the bandage into a waterproof one so I can take a bath (thank God!). And they sent me home together with my painkillers and antibiotics. Mom and Dad were there, taking care of everything. When I got home, I fell asleep and woke up to do a number 2.

We had dinner at Portico in Serendra. I only had soup and a bit of meat since I was still getting used to a soft diet. I walked like an 80-year old woman but my family was patient with me. We went to Fully Booked and dad bought me Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet. I read the book once but I was too young to appreciate it. I just read the sequel, World Without End and it was one of the best books I've ever read.

The night was getting late and the throbbing was starting to hurt again. My brother and I went ahead of them and got home earlier while Mom, Dad and Anne went strolling in Boni High Street. It was a fairly nice day out with my family.

Pay it forward

An old college buddy spoke to me this evening and was telling me about the story of an officemate of hers who was being the butt of all jokes. She had the juiciest resume a fresh graduate could ever have. Naturally, they gave her a role which they thought she could handle.

Since they were part of a customer-facing team, she was given the task to do very critical interfacing with middle management. It turns out that she was a big mess. She gave vague and erroneous emails.. to which she would send another email to disregard the previous one. During calls she would hesitate and often ended up not really understanding the whole topic or even make sense at all! The client was furious with the way she did her job. Her manager would always save her butt at the end of the day and she gets to see another day.

Of course, the customer is not very happy with this. They demanded they replace her with someone who is more competent or at the very least, have common sense.

***

I remember this particular moment in my life when I had a similar situation. I was escalated to the highest heavens for not doing this critical job. My customer was getting irritated by the fact that I kept fumbling and looked like someone who did not know what to do.

I felt like a lamb in a lion's den.

Sleepless nights I endured. Even my business trip to Japan was dreaded... and every time it was being mentioned at family dinners and get-togethers, my parents would brag about me being sent to other countries during my 1st year as a yuppie. I would cringe inside at the thought of staying in a country with no one to turn to for support.

One person pushed me to the limit. He patiently helped me in all my technical booboos. I was very glad he was also there with me in Japan. I may have died or killed myself anyway if he wasn't there. He became an inspiration to me. The respect he earned from me went up exponentially. I suddenly realized that I wanted to be like this person.

The commitment he gave to me motivated me to go beyond what I thought I was capable of. The world needs more people like him. So... I decided to pay it forward. I wanted to commit to people who need help and is willing to learn.

Sadly, he already left the company to pursue bigger things but he left such a big footprint that it was impossible to ignore. I want to help people in a way I know best. =)

Mythbusted!

On our flight to Singapore last night, I chose to order the beef with noodles meal. I was feeling immune to beef lately. I ordered burger meals at the local fastfood chains and did not feel that head-wrenching migraine. I was assuming I was already cured of the allergy.

Hehe, boy was I wrong!

I was all red halfway into my meal, my mom got very angry and forced me to drink my medicine. I was woozy and my head was pounding. All the while, I was thinking it was the red wine that got me all heated up. =) Bottomline, I'm still allergic to beef. Bottomline, the burgers I ordered at this well-known fastfood chain is NOT beef. Hmmm... busted!

Not enough

I hate this feeling of going on vacation when everything back in the office is in shambles. I got this bad feedback from an equally bad customer (just my opinion). I swallowed it and moved on like nothing happened. I was really on the verge of telling him off that not everything is my fault and that there were gaps on his(her?) side too...

To top it off, my Project Manager was siding him (for lack of a better term) and was even encouraging scope creep! So much for his responsibility to the team. Sellena and I were left to fend off for ourselves. And I admit it, I was raw. I didn't have the skills I needed to push back, given a bitchy customer who always demanded but never gave his(her?) own requirements. Everything was supposed to be me.. test data, master data... what the..!?! He(she?) was upset(PMS-ing?) that it was still him(her?) who provided the scenarios.

I just feel so bad about it all. I know I can count on my partner, who has always been dependable and ever so reliable tech guy. But this time, I feel as if he's cleaning up after me. It saddens me to think that something like this would happen and I let it happen. *major angst coming up* I want to make it up to him, to Sellena, to all the people I've affected. I feel like a new hire again. *sigh*

Revenge

This is what you get for speaking your mind out, bitch! The world was never fair to begin with so stop thinking of fair and justice and equality.

The strong will eat, the weak are meat.

It's a dog eat dog world where everyone is a savage doing whatever they can to take control of their lives.

I have never been more frustrated in my life about something I thought was 'just ok'. It had never bothered me to think of life in this perspective. Until now. Sugar-coating is ok. But downright plain lying is another thing! I do not like being lied to. Nobody does. Lying does not do anybody good.

I'm tactless but at least you know my point, pain and all. It's better than beautifully crafted words...web of lies and deceit. This is now where I draw the line. Trust broken is trust never again to be built. And no, don't go all self-righteous to me. It never worked anyway. ;P

Surprises and Realizations

Dad arrived in Manila early this morning. It was such a surprise considering he told us he'll go home next week. So there. I woke up earlier than usual, ate my breakfast and read the newspaper and there he came out of the room.

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By August, I'm celebrating 5 years of service in the Church. It's such a surpise, considering that up till now, I still get jitters as soon as I go up to the lectern. It's a nice feeling to be able to serve and dedicate my time to proclaim the Good News, no matter how cliche it sounded.

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By the end of this week, I've officially finished two projects! Both of them Japan projects. I've learned a lot from my mentors, teammates and clients. It would be nice to get more experience and exposure, though.

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The Dark Knight is the latest movie I watched. After a hiatus from watching in the big screen, it's a nice movie but personally, I prefer Ironman. And like Ironman, I watched it twice! Heath Ledger's take on the Joker was more psychotic, disturbing. Like Krusty on steriods, booze and heroin. He was still funny on most parts.

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I spent the weekend in bed.. and what a glorious place to be! I watched movies, dvds, surfed the net. All in all, it was laid-back, steady and slow. My kind of weekend from a week of work! I watched this movie in Star, Perfume. It's the story of Jean Baptiste Grenouille, a man with extraordinary olfactory senses, who vowed to capture the greatest scent. It was sick and twisted in the end because he had to kill 13 girls to capture their essence and create the perfect perfume.

The ending was gruesome and wicked. Just before he was to be beheaded, he wore that perfume (said to be the ultimate pheromone) and caused all the people present to engage in a massive orgy. It was based from novel by Patrick Sunkirk, a German novelist. I'm thinking of looking it up on Powerbooks or Fully Booked.

It's a movie to watch as it had veteran actors like Dustin Hoffman and Alan Rickman (one of my faves!). Ben Whishaw was Jean Baptiste and his acting was quite notable.

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Spent a lot of money this month on books. The passion has been ignited again! Mom is frustrated with me... where to put all my books?? My library of a room is now turning into a warehouse of all kinds of books.

Anti-murphy's Law

Dad called this evening to tell us very good news. It was very good news. Good news indeed.

Everyday, I tell myself that the bad things that happen to me are nothing if you count the blessings that you get. Why bother and let yourself down with negativity? I say that if bad things happen to you, good things will come your way. A life of smiles and positive thinking beats an attitude of always looking out for Murphy's law. Of course it's not a bad idea to take note of all the bad things that can happen to you but let's face it, the more you search for Murphy, the more it will hunt you down.

We had this dream that we thought was about to come true. It came crashing down on us and of course we were depressed. But we didn't let it get the best of us and just move on and do the best you can with what you have. And true enough, hard work always trumps luck.

One cannot help but realize that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to be. Sometimes the life you think is ideal never was bliss in the first place. The path to true happiness comes with pain and hardships. It is then when you can truly savor your accomplishments and blessings!

A moment of silence

The weekend brought about the best of sleeping habits. It was cool and the sky outside barely hinted at the sun. The rain and winds brought about a very conducive sleeping atmosphere. Forget electricity, cable TV and technology for a moment. I ran back to my paperbacks the moment the lights went out.

Mom had a transistor radio so we were fortunate enough to have some information of the outside world without the need for electricity. We heard about Iloilo and some parts of Visayas drowning in rainwater. We also heard about the ferry disaster that may have taken 700 lives. All of them were avoidable tragedies. Of course, living in corrupt and 3rd world countries, one cannot expect the preparedness of a highly organized goverment agency as one would see in movies and cable TV. Budget allocated for something like this was never released anyway. They were long gone.. used by some politician's vacation in Europe or a presidential suite in New York.

Everyone would want to blame this on nature. Why not?! It's highly unpredictable and not once questioned by God-fearing citizens. It seems to be the only way to appease victims and let the accountable parties get away with it. No one would dream for this to happen. Of course, no one took action so this would not happen as well. We were swept away with fatalistic appeals.

A moment of silence for the victims and those who died ahead of their time. Their potential never again to be realized and their future and dreams, sinking with the ship. May they rest in peace.

The one you love? The one who loves you?

Time and again... I've stuck in a crossroad, pondering which path to choose. And this time, it's not about choosing colleges and careers; both of which I can say proudly I chose well. And this time, I'm stuck in a crossroad that's equally important as my university and career. This can also change my life drastically.

Call me a cheesy sap but when I was little, I told myself that boys will always be yucky and icky and full of cooties. Oh how I ate those words!

Lovelife is as important as one's career and insurance. Although people rank it differently, once it's there on your list, it's all the same.

You can say I fell hard. I was smitten, infatuated and I giggle like a teenager whenever he'd pass me by. I thought I fell in love at first sight. I did everything I can to make him know I exist in this world. We became friends and after a few months (potah, slow lang talaga siya!), we were exchanging YMs, IMs, SMSs and other alphabetical means of communication.

My relationship with him is a lot slower than any other relationships I've had in my entire life. My friends think he's been living in a cave all this time not to notice that there are actually social graces, etiquette, norms and the like. He's hard to deal with... very fickle-minded and does not believe in planning ahead of time. If I were some other girl, I'd get impatient with him and just let him be... because that's my perception of him. It feels he's already contented with what he has and is not motivated by anything.

Here I am, playing the martyr, doing anything and everything... honestly, I've never done this for a guy and I'm really overextending myself with this person. I though to myself that if I continue what I'm doing now, I might have a shot at this. A shot to have a relationship with him.
And then I fell back to earth.

I met another guy who I feel is very much interested with me. It shows... he initiates every conversation we ever had. He invited me to movies and has been confiding me on his personal stuff. Isn't that enough sign? Of course, I don't want to assume but the way he treats me... I feel wanted. And I very much like what I'm feeling.

Now I'm torn... should I go to the one I like... or run to the arms of the one who (I think) likes me?

And here is the clincher... I think the infatuation spell's wearing off. I'm seeing things more clearly than before. Suddenly, my love interest isn't as good looking as he used to be...