Believing in an Absolute

I have always believed that we make our own destiny. But I also believe in a higher being. The space that fills up what our finiteness can never reach.

I was brought up by very Catholic parents. I have always believed in God but never really got the chance to understand Him. I grew up believing that anything that happens for a reason I can never understand is part of God's plan.

That was until it got in the way of my MYOD (mind-your-own-destiny). As we get older, we want to have more control. We want to make action and take part. That's human nature, I guess. That's why I keep hearing adults say that life was much easier when we're young. That's because the more we yearn for control over our lives, the more complicated life gets. And sometimes, when we don't get things done our way, we blame God for every single mistake that happens in our lives.

Take me for example. There was a time that I really wanted something. Of course, I did all the do-able with high caliber, prepared for every single contingency until plan ZZ. The whole time, I also prayed. There's nothing wrong with getting help from above, even if it was more of a spiritual blessing. But in the end, it was all for nothing. I was a short, single step away from what I really wanted.

And it hit me. Really bad.

I was the poster child for ultimate depression.

Anyway, it's weird looking back at it from such a distance (space and time). Sometimes, I thought I overreacted but at that time, I thought it was the perfect thing to do. I'm wondering how Einstein nailed the theory of relativity so precisely to my situation. There's no point in looking back all the time and moping around.

Right now, I've been thinking that believing in an absolute and having a MYOD is possible. Without believing in an absolute is like walking in the dark. Of course, you'd want to MYOD with some light in your paths. It's still up to you to go where. And I'd like to think that God intervenes with our poorly made choices by diminishing the light in that path. If He thinks that path is not right for you, He closes it. But other paths remain. And sometimes, God just diminishes the light in the path that we want to take. And we get angry and frustrated. We are blinded by our rage that we forget other paths that can equally take us to that same end goal: being happy. And sometimes we are just too stubborn to believe that. Sometimes, we just head out in the dark. To the unknown. And then we get into trouble. Without the light, it's hard finding our way back. It's dark, we (think) are all alone. But never forget for a second that God abandoned us. He is there. He is called Hope.