Ouch

I got into a fight and that made me feel alienated for about 3 months from close people. I took the initiative and after two attempts, I finally got a response. Of course, I was happy but I felt a little bit sad that I was getting the impression that what happened the past months didn't happen. It was like picking off from where we left and that was it.

I had a lot of questions but decided not to ask them. What's important now is that the friendship that was torn is now mended... how and why, I might never know myself.

Not all people seem to agree with the way I deal with things, or talk about it. Frankly, I'm quite frank, sometimes bordering on tactlessness. One of my closest friends confronted me about it. She told me I was being too harsh when I talk about some things. Whenever I talk, it was always bullseye, without any regard for feelings. Of course, I apologized for being so callous and everything was fine in the end.

But why? Why go all this trouble to erase everything she had of me? Was it that harsh? Was I such a callous, tactless bitch that it was worth almost 2 years of friendship? I couldn't understand, I wanted to understand but I didn't want to go through hell again with what happened. Sure, I know how to cope... and everyone knows the world never revolves around anyone, but I'm tired to these mindless games and guessing every single wrong thing you said. It's not fair, I got hurt too.

indifference

It's the opposite of love. Indifference is simply when you don't care anymore. Most people who say they hate something (or someone), still has a thin thread of concern somewhere in the subconscious. They are still very much affected when something happens to that something (or someone).

To me, it hurts more when people say, "I don't care" instead of "I hate you". The hate there is an emotion that came from love. They hate because they are hurt by someone they love. Deep inside, they would still want to love that person. When they don't care, it means they gave up on you and your relationship (friendship or love).


But from another point of view, when people are indifferent, it's not simply because they gave up or they don't care... but because they don't want to be hurt anymore. It's like a defense mechanism. For example, time and time again, a person has been betrayed by a very close friend. Each and every time that happens, the person feels very lost, confused, hurt and sad. They were friends ever since they met in a sandbox when they were very young and breaking that friendship would be very painful and difficult to accept.

To expect nothing else of his friend is to not feel betrayal of any sort. It makes sense right? In your mind, you just don't give your friend expectations so when the time comes that your friend really fails you, you're not (that) disappointed. Of course, you still want to have that friendship. Of course, any relationship is not time-bound but it would be very difficult to part with a person who has been with you for 10 years or so, right?

*** I was in grade school then. For the first time, Kim and I were separated into different sections. That time, I got close to a classmate of mine and became my closest friend in class. Kim and I were at a "cool off" stage and went to recess and lunch with our classmates. Of course, during dismissal, we wait for each other and then go out the building together. We were fortunate that our moms were part of this circle of friends so we were able to spend time ourside class hours.

Anyway, I was close to this classmate of mine and in no time, dubbed each other as our new best friend. I didn't think of letting Kim go... she is still my best friend aside from my classmate. I didn't mind if I had 10 best friends anyway! It wasn't forced ranking naman...

I'm not sure if it was towards the end of the school year but it was one recess time when I was sitting by myself in the line (I was a bit of a loner during grade school) when my 2nd best friend gave me a letter. In it contained a message that sort of spelled "best friends no more but let's be close friends anyway". At that time, I was very much confused of what she expected of me from now on. She didn't want me to be her best friend anymore but she wanted to remain friends. In my eyes, it was bull-poo. Eventhough she was very straightforward with her idea of "firing" me from the best friend position, she still wanted me to be her friend. For me, it's a very lame move.

At that time, I was thankful that I was a bit of a tomboy so emotions didn't dwell so much on my person. I just agreed with her plans and let time sort it out. Is it right for my friend to do this? Did she have the only say in our friendship? I didn't even have the chance but decided to avoid any confrontation so I gave in.