Growing up

I recently had a chat with my best friend (she migrated to the US last March). She's the keeper of ALL my secrets. Not one thing is kept from her. That's how much I trust her.

Everytime we'd go online and talk with each other, we would often discuss my mishaps and major bloopers. These bloopers were the worst situations I had, and to top it all off, I dealt with it the worst possible way. The most important person in my life got hurt so much and I never did anything, except put salt on his wounds and rub it in. I was so immature then... I didn't know how to play my cards right. I ended up losing, and I brought him down with me.

Refusing to admit my mistake, I stood up like nothing happened. I ignored the pain and continued on with my life, leaving him to deal with his wounds and tears. I practically pushed him away. I turned my head away from the truth and believed in what I thought was right. But I was wrong. Leaving an open wound does not heal itself. The pain spreads until you'd gladly ask someone to put you out of your misery.

Realizing this a bit too late, I had felt horrible about what happened. I was too young to deal with it... I was too scared to face the consequences. My best friend made me see that... a little too late. Despite all this, he remained humane and civil to me, something I did not deserve from him. I felt so ashamed and angry at myself. For my foolish pride, my weak resolve and cruel words. I am the most tactless person I ever knew. And he bore everything.

I don't blame him if he'd hate me with all his might. He had every reason to.

I confided with my best friend, admitting to her all my faults. What I should have done...what I should not have done. We both knew it's too late but she said she was happy that I finally matured. I grew up...in the most painful ways. But I was also happy that I now know a lot more than I did before. Explaining and apologizing would not bring us back to the happy times... I'm not even sure if we could go back to the way things were. But seeing him, remembering all the pain I caused, would be enough to keep me hiding in the shadows. I wanted to bear his pain. I wanted to take away the pain. But all I can do is watch and cry miserably from within.

I want to be with him... but until then, I'll just have to pick up the pieces of my wretched life. God I miss him!