Resolution

This will be the last time I'm posting something like this. I have come to terms with myself never to dwell on such insignificant and obscure topics such as a guy. I have never felt something like this that's why I'm making such a hassle out of it... in my blog that is. Of course, there was the initial confusion, indifference, shock, anger and sadness but above it all, I have learned not to make a lot of fuss about it. It's a waste of time, energy and just gives me and the people around me negative energy. And all of this just for a guy??? Hello?!?! Ang feeling mo naman!

I thought about relationships, and the eventual lifetime partnership.. and I'm thinking...

A guy who should be worth my tears is someone who will never make me cry. This one is not.

Failure??

He was very upset and disappointed with me. I was angry with myself, thinking how I could've missed it. I had known about it for a long time... and it was perfect timing that I had to get sick. Of all the days.... it had to be that day.

And he had been honest with me and confronted me. I like guys like that. They have the balls to tell me; unlike other people who just walk away without a single word. I feel more insulted when people don't tell me things. I feel that they think I can't handle the truth.. or at least their version of it.

I'm trying to make up for it. I'll really make him happy and blow his mind away. After all, don't we get to have second chances?

Honestly..?

Is it wrong to ask for the truth nowadays? Or people just tend look away and pretend nothing happened..?

It's very unhealthy. And it hurts to know that people who you think you trust just leave you with nothing but an empty soul. It's confusing, it's painful and tiring. It's a charade you have to go through everyday.. and at the end of the day, I feel more tired than ever.

When will the pretending end? It hurts, you know. It friggin' hurts.

Of Organs and Chords

Before I started playing the guitar and the bamboo flute, I got a glimpse and first hand experience of music from the electric organ. We were supposed to buy a piano one day in 1991; but we were fascinated when the electric organ can belt out sounds of other instruments and even have accompanying music to intensify one's piece. So yeah, it was decided that we get the technologically-sound, all-in-one instrument.

I took lessons when I was in grade 3 and even had a recital. It was the best worst feeling ever. My fingers were numbed and at the same time tingling with nervousness... hoping Murphy's law wouldn't happen for the next 5 agonizing minutes of my life. Needless to say, it did happen and I never played the organ after that.

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Lately, I felt like feeling the keys again. Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony, says a song; and yes, I miss playing with my keys. We had it fixed today and now I'm tapping away at the keys as if I just had my music lessons yesterday. :) I was very glad that I still remember my chords and the rhythm of some of the pieces I studied.

Right now, I'm starting to study some Christmas songs. It would be a nice change to play some tunes during the holidays instead of playing them in the ipod, right? :)

Grateful

When was the last time you said, "thank you" to your parents? The 2 people who have been by your side since you started your first breath? It just seems awkward at first, since they have always been your mentor, guide and friend and helping you seems second nature to them.

I started saying "I Love You" to my parents when I was in college. It was the first time I left home and lived by myself. Every night I call home, telling mom that I'm already in the condo. I was in 2nd year that I said, "Goodnight, love you". My mom immediately replied, "I love you, too". It was the warmest, fuzziest feeling ever!

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Early this morning, I woke up with the painful urge to go to the bathroom. Around 10 minutes after, I started feeling nauseous and lightheaded. Worse was the pain was there, steady and lucid. I crawled back to my bedroom and cursed my bed which was elevated 3 feet from the ground. I curled up on myself and started to cold sweat. Despite the fact that I was feeling faint and my vision drifted on and off, the painful sensation would not leave me. It felt like the butterflies in my stomach grew fangs and talons and began to scrape at my insides.

I thought that time would ease the pain but it just began to get more painful. I swear, if this will be anything like child birth, my husband will do all the diaper-changing and cuddling the baby to sleep at 3am!

It was the worst and longest 2 minutes of my life. Luckily, my phone was beside me and called my mom. I put it on speakerphone because I could not bear to lift the phone to my ear. I cried out to her in a very soft and pained voice to come upstairs. It was a relief to me when she came to my room, but the pain did not subside. She ran to my side and saw my sweat-soaked hair, tank top and boxers. At this point in time, modesty did not cross my mind. She hurriedly turned on the aircon and used my towel to wipe the sweat from my face and neck. Her hand was an anchor. As I grabbed it with my now freezing hands, I cried. I broke down like a little girl and cried to my mom. I told her not to leave me and gripped her hand as tight as I possibly could at that time.

She used my phone to call downstairs and asked for medicine and some brew to be brought up. Sitting up to drink the medicine was hell. My arm supporting me was so weak it was shaking. I was able to lean against the wall as I swallowed the medicine. And then, I fell down again. I never felt this weak in my life. It immediately reminded me of people getting shot down and left to die. It's scary, knowing that you're dying and yet you desperately, futilely, cling to life. By then, I was already hallucinating.

My dad came up and checked up on me. He asked how I was. My eyes were closed but I was still conscious. At this point in time, modesty kicked in but I didn't know how to cover myself. Mom, always the supermom, grabbed my blanket and covered me with it. My dad asked if there was anything he could do to help. They were already contemplating bringing me to the hospital.

At that point, I was really thinking mundane things: I haven't even brushed my teeth! Washed my face! Am I wearing nice underwear?

I then told them to wait until the medicine kicks in. Mom reluctantly agreed but said that if I don't get better in about 30 minutes, they're rushing me to the ER, ribbon boxers and all! Damn you medicine, if you don't work, I will sue your company!

Thankfully, the color returned to my face and I stopped having cold sweats. I was able to sit up and drink ginger brew. By then I told my mom I can manage by myself and that I will go down for breakfast. As she gathered the stuff she had to bring down and opened my door, I said in a loud and clear voice, "Thank you, ma".

She didn't turn around but said, "Ok, let's eat breakfast, I made pancakes for you."

I felt her smile when she was talking. A smile grew on my face as well. I love pancakes!

What I REALLY wanted to be when I grow up

I was very much fascinated with the stars. Before perverts entered our neighborhood and became our neighbors, I used to go outside our house and look up. It was so serene... the bright, simple spots in the sky was very calming. It was silent communication between me and the heavens. I would stare at the sky for hours, reflecting, contemplating, discerning.

There was no internet that time, and so I only relied on our science textbooks and the library. Compared to the generation now, research back then was hardcore! Kids nowadays do not know how the dewey decimal system works. It's such a shame that they only know google or wikipedia. :(

I tried to learn more about the skies, the planets, the asteroids, the galaxies and the different theories. I was only in grade 3 then. And then...

Mom bought a set of encyclopedias. At that time, having an encyclopedia set was already google. You have a shelf of man's common knowledge. Call me a nerd, but yes, there was a time when I browsed through encyclopedias for interesting articles, persons and terms. I like the part on the human anatomy...

It was already a haven for everything I wanted to know about the heavens. The pictures were fantastic (they were colored!) and at the end of each write-up, they would place similar terms for me to look up. It was a roadmap of information.

After the encyclopedia mania, cable came.... and I loved Discovery Channel (yes, I'm inclined to geekiness). I took note of programs that showed the solar system, eclipses, the space race and everything in between. I made sure I wouldn't miss it.. or if I did, I'd check the schedules for replays.

It was then that I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be an astronaut. To go up there and explore beyond my bubble. A dangerous beauty, and I wanted to know her more.

Allow me this moment of selfishness...

Thanks to Marco for the pics. :) I never knew I'd look like this... hehehe

This was taken last Sunday night at Boni High Street. May I just boast that this particular night I wasn't wearing any makeup???

Waiting for my Mr. Right... *sigh*

Kars: It wasn't meeee....

Sa Globe, posible! /or/ HP Invent

Kars: Hey there, cutie! I've been waiting.

Effects of too much caffeine

Kars: Care to join me for a walk? *sly smile*

Kars: Come closer.. I've got something to say...

The hat was always on coz my hair was a mess. I didn't have time to fix it and it was a miracle that it kinda complemented my very casual hoodie. ^_^ All in all, the whole ensemble was just 2 minutes. Hurrah for those moments that it's a cinch to look pretty.

It was a nice break. I am happy now. Thanks guys!