sorry...

I may have forgotten to say "thank you" in the midst of my complaints.

I may have forgotten to say "i love you" in the midst of my anger.

I may have forgotten to say "sorry" in the midst of my finger-pointing.

I may have forgotten to say "how are you?" in the midst of my hectic life.

I may have forgotten to say a lot of things.... "I am only human", I would say; and it's not even a valid reason!

I have been thinking these past few weeks and all I ever did was give off negative energy. I try to hide it, oh God, the pains I go through to hide it. Sometimes I turn into a ball of wreck and I'm glad I have friends who stay by my side. I'm living my own hell. A hell I can't even get out of. A hell I created for myself and therefore, a hell only I can get rid of.

I want to be happy again. The genuine, innocent happiness I felt when I was a child. It's slowly getting out of my grasp.

Please help me bring it back.

I need it to keep my sanity...

taking a trip to la-la-la land.

I was able to chat again with my best friend today.

For some reason, I felt this tremendous sadness come over me. It's been more than a year since she left for the States and I guess I have been missing the times when I go to her house and just hang out. Sometimes, I would commute from the condo and have impromptu sleepovers. I would then go back to Katipunan early morning wearing the clothes I have the day before and prepare for class.

We even prepared a surprise birthday party for Kim at her house.

Then she went to my condo one time for a sleepover and we couldn't get the damn can of spam to open. But we had fun.

Our goodbye wasn't even a grand one. I had an allergy attack and was rushed to the hospital. She visited me the next morning and that was the last time I saw her. My last picture with her was in my camera phone.

I guess this feeling started when aR and I went to her condo so I could do...stuff... and her condo was near Jem's house. I realized that I missed this place. It used to be a safehouse for me, when she was there and Aja and sometimes Rafa. I don't go there anymore, no reason to.

Well, anyway, Jem told me that Koyang had a baby girl! Tita na siya ulit! Rafa won't be lonely na. I'm so glad for them. Time passes by so quickly. People are starting to have their own lives, own families.

cheese popcorn residue on my fingertips....

...and a lot of other things I can't seem to shake from me.

Things have gotten interesting lately... and more hectic. I didn't even notice that the week had ended and a new month is about to start.

I've been looking back on the year before. How childish and immature my goals were compared to what I have been thinking now. I cringe at the thought of the times when my heart was all out for something I can only be a spectator in. At least I tried than never having the courage to do it at all...

Speaking of courage, I mark this week as a milestone. I finally had the courage to talk to a certain someone. Ha! To those who thought I would never do it... up yours! And who said women have to be timid? With the way guys ask us out, our race probably would've been extinct at the turn of the millennium.

The last statement is NOT a generalization. Just pointing things out. Not all guys are like this. And I've had my share naman of interaction.

No, I will NOT expound my last statement.

Last Friday, I had dinner with Queeny and some of my teammates (?!) for the Japan Project. It was a bit awkward for me since I was very late and couldn't understand half of the things they said because most of them happened when they were in Japan. Queeny was kind enough to fill me in naman and as the night started to settle, I became more comfortable with them.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day outside from 6am to 1am Sunday morning. I was in Tuh-gaye-tay with my fellow lectors and we were planning the whole day about our ministry. They made me speak a lot because I'm the youngest in the group. I gave out speeches about being a triangle (change) trying to fit into a square (paradigms) because these people aren't really my peers. They were more like my aunts and uncles. At the end, I felt more involved...and I feel a rush of hectic-ness coming my way. I was volunteered (which I agreed naman) to be part of the Performance Feedback committee. Tomorrow night, I'll be starting my handover training in one of the lectors' house.

Tita Emmy's house in Tuh-gaye-tay was great. The weather was cool and calm. A really nice place to relax and get away from it all.

Ate Rose, Ate Dennise, Ate Donna and I decided to go to the CSA Alumni Homecoming. Batch '81 was the sponsor this year as it is their silver year. I never knew Monsour del Rosario was an Augustinian. And apparently, a lot of alumni were mestizos. Konti lang ang indio. I'm guessing most of them lived in Dasma or Forbes and since this is a school run by Spanish Augustinian Priests (go Fr. Rodriguez and Fr. Manzana!), I guess they have faith in the school system.

It was fun, but the guys smiling/leering (whatever it is they make with their face when they're drunk) at me were old--> as in dad-old.


I also got to read the 2nd reading today and I couldn't be more disappointed. It was all about women being subservient to their husbands. I wanted to be the last proclaimer to read this stuff out loud to a congregation. Isn't fair share and equality enough? All I'm asking is that I get to do the things I want without my husband, or boyfriend (whoever comes first) nagging me. Sure, I can be ladylike if I want but I'm an empowered woman.

Today, my sister and I watched Click. Yes, we're having this strategy to watch movies during its 2nd-3rd week. Unless some hot guy asks me out to watch the latest movie, we're sticking to this plan. I came out of the cinema, looking absolutely like a girl who just cried. I can never hide the fact that I just cried. The skin around my eyes are swollen and red, as well as my nose.

And I think I saw one of my Freshies in Powerplant Mall. I'm not really sure if he recognizes me but I gave him a hint of a smile. Baka feeling niya I'm hitting on him pag di nya ako kilala! hehe. Anyway, my sister's kinda cool with me going around the mall, pointing out things I will buy in the distant future. Sabi nga ni Madonna, we are living in a material world.

Anyway, back to a new week. New challenges (who shall I break this time?). New adventures (where shall I go?). New friends (who will I make bola to?).

I'm counting the days till our house is finished. No more leaks and spills. Hurrah!

Of Greetings and Endings.

Here are some of the closing greetings (??) aR and I made.... just insert your name after the greetings.


Warmest of warm regards

Hot regards *wink*

Lady-in-waiting

Sinfully yours

I am gorgeous

Lovingly single

Yours in spirit

Yours in

Inventing

I who must not be named

Tiger-tamer

*wink*wink*

Hugs and kisses

Forever yours

Mabuhay ka

I don't like beef

You can never afford me

Goddess in heat

Delicious

Available during weekends

Major credit cards accepted

I will hunt you down if you don't reply

Call me


There you go! Use sparingly. ^_^

Expressions of Undisguised Hatred

I blame a single person for making me feel this way.

Everyday, I loathe going back home. No, it's not because of the people. It's the house itself. It's already the rainy season and our house is far from its completion. We have leaks all over, molds forming everywhere (I swear I'm going to die of allergy complications) and disgusting insects all over the place.

I'm glad we sued you, you son of a bitch! And I hope you rot forever in your hole. May other people know your malicious intentions and never get you as their contractor. We're living in miserable conditions but I do wish and hope that even in your dreams you are plagued with your own problems.

You have caused many people a lot of problems. Not just us but your own family as well. You are taking them down with you and the only thing they did was be related to you. And it wasn't even their fault!

May God help your soul.

My Little Prince

I have always wondered who will be able to tame me. Someone who can make me turn the other way and never look back. A person who will make me realize that he is the one who is most important to me, the most unique person among 6 other billion people. And if he is gone, the stars wouldn't shine as bright.

And in turn, my actions would have tamed him. To him, I am unique... to me, he is unique in all the world. We are responsible for each other forever. We make our sunsets lovelier with each passing day.

And yet to be tamed is also to risk being hurt. One can not fully comprehend what love really is unless you have experienced being hurt deeply.

I have longed for my prince, to come down from the stars and show me the beauty of simplicity, to never long for more and to find that infinite finiteness in him that makes me see the brightness of the stars on dark nights.

Like a Kid Again

Before anything else, my chatbox is now up and running! I hope no one spams this again. >_<

Sunkissed goddess will be totally pissed!

Anyway, my sister and I went to Galleria to watch a movie and look around at Toys'R Us. The first Toys'R Us we went to was the one in Hong Kong. I was so fascinated by this telescope and begged my dad to buy it for me... that time I was still in awe at the heavens and loved astronomy. He said it was too big for me to bring back to Manila... *sob*...
We also went to Toys'R Us in Jakarta, which is now Ranch Market. It's near Pondok Indah Mal. I used to be a fan of Barbie.

Anyway, I felt like a kid again as I gawked at toys. I wanted the Disney Princess Barbie and vowed to myself to create a collection when the house renovation is done. Then there was Tamagotchi...

I want one!!! But it's so expensive....

I stared at it longingly... knowing that this is just a phase...a hype... for like 10 years already.

But I want one...

I want one....

And the Barbies are also expensive...

I wanted Sleeping Beauty... she's my favorite.

I want....

Fridays and Rainy Days

Karen Carpenter sang: Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.

Guess this doesn't apply to Fridays! So much has happened yesterday, and I still can't stop thinking about it. ^__^!

During lunch, aR helped me find nice flats since I was scared that the wedges I was wearing would die on me... and the fact that we are walking towards our Coffee Talk that afternoon. We window-shopped for a bit before Aaron told us he was already in Megamall. Being the deviant people that we are, we ate at KFC. That time, I missed Gracie's call. I think she was looking for us during lunch.

Anyway, aR and Aaron helped me look for flats, buy a pair and wear it. They also saw me have a wardrobe malfunction and I looked on helplessly as aR picked up my dignity from the floor. Mataas pa rin ang pride! I walked on, thinking to myself, ok lang yan... parang mentos commercial!

Before the coffee talk, I took my drugs (aka antihistamine) since I knew HP is going to make me keel over with beef and potatoes. We also had this iPod shuffle raffle and my utmost sincere, heartfelt congratulations to the winner: Maria C Nodora (as seen on her HP profile). You're one lucky girl! Suggest ko sa name ng iPod niya Kiko para tandem sila ni Pagong (hint: think Pinoy version of Sesame Street in the early 90s!).

On the way back, it started to rain and I was glad to have an umbrella with me. Edell and I shared my umbrella. On the way back, we were excitedly chatting about boys and whatnot when suddenly, water soaked us. I cried out partly in shock and mostly in confusion. What the hell happened?! Turns out Edell pushed (accidentally naman) the button which folds the umbrella. The raindrops that had gathered there gave us our very own shower. Thank God I wasn't wearing white. Si Queeny ata naka-white nung araw na yun...

As we got back to SMPC, buddy RJ was there with other officemates. They were looking at us as if we didn't use our umbrellas. Nagamit naman, mali lang yung timing ng pagsara ng payong. When we got back up, the room was very cold. I was shivering as I hurriedly packed my stuff. My feet were disgustingly squishy and attempted to wipe off the dirt and water. I said ba-bye's to Gracie, Alvin and buddy RJ before going out with aR.

I drove as fast as I can home, apologized for being late because Coffee Talk ended past 5:30 already, took a quickie shower and laid down for a hard-earned massage. It felt wonderful!

It was raining and the weather was cold. I was getting a very nice backrub and Deal or No Deal was showing on TV. Life is good, pare!

Salaries and What-nots

I got my first paycheck last Thursday. At the hype of our SD Jumpstart. It's a nice silver lining to my darkened and grey skies. It was hard-earned money so I'll try my best to make the most out of it (keyword: try!). Dad has been telling me time and again that money doesn't grow on trees. The value of money can never be fully understood unless you tried working for it.

Contrary to what people say to me that material possessions are superficial. Of course, compared to your soul, morality and what-not, material possessions are the least of your problems.

Yes, try telling that to a girl who had her material possessions taken away from her during her birthday! Hard-earned money went down the drain. I felt bad for the person who earned money through blood, sweat and tears to get her those stuff only to be taken away.

Anyway, I indulged myself to a book! Finally, a book that I can call mine! I bought it without dad's help. I felt so happy clutching that book as I exited Powerbooks. I felt like a kid again! I remember when I was little that mom would buy me a Sweet Valley Kids book whenever I got a perfect score in a mastery test. 2 books if I got a perfect score in a long exam and lots more when I got a high grade in my Periodical exam! I admit I never got a perfect score in my PTs but surprisingly, the first subject which I got a score higher than 95 was math. I think that was in grade2. Haha! Ayun, nagpa-misa ata si mom nung nalaman niya. And of course, those books which used to cost Php59.75.

With my first salary, I'm treating my family to less than fine-dining but more than fastfood. Yun pa lang ang kaya. 5 kami sa family e! Dad will be going home on August 17 (sakto!). He understands naman that everyone has to start somewhere and usually, it's the lowest. But gradually, I'll increase the sosi-ness of the place we would get to eat. I also want them to feel that this is my first job, my first salary.

Breather

After 4 days of Condensed (aka Hardcore) Jumpstart, I felt my mind having another "info" shock. After 4 months of not really using it, my brain suddenly couldn't stand long hours of lectures and discussions.

Sabi ko nga attention span ko 3 hours lang. So after 3 hours nung 1st day, wala na. Hahaha!

Today was the last day, there was a culminating activity, a capstone to end the almost week-long Jumpstart: a test.

Haay naku. aR and I were such a mamaru. Kahit open notes and open everything, wala lang. Actually, thinking about it now, I was frustrated that I only got that score. Maybe because my mind wasn't in its usual mental toughness mode that I was completely exhausted and just was in the mode: "i want to get this over and done" rather than: "bring it on".

What aR and I did, we're keeping it to ourselves. I need to go to confession, badly!

I just had to post this.

Going Back

Tita Nene went back to Seattle today. I was fortunate enough to visit her this morning before going to work, even if it was just a short time. I was with her yesterday. After 3 parties last Saturday and an overnight at Gracie's place, I went back to Guadalupe where she was staying with my uncle and cousins.

Despite the 4 shots of tequila, I willed myself to spend the day or at least half a day with her. I went with them to Duty Free. Even if I didn't buy anything for myself, I was happy that I was with her. After that, we ate lunch and chatted until mid-afternoon, where I had to go home and take a nap before serving in the mass.

That evening, I went back to being a regular lector. I was on leave since April. I was a bit nervous as it had been a long time since I stood before a great crowd. But I guess it turned out ok. My sister told me that I never lost my luster. naks!

~~~~~~~~~~

Today was the start of a week long of trainings. I feel neutral about it. I'm not very excited to take it nor do I dread taking it.

Last week we had a team meeting. It was fun, meeting other people. At least I know who to bug na! Our manager, Cel had this aura of a mother, which was nice. She's approachable pala, unlike my first few weeks. It was nice being with them, and at the same time comforting knowing that our team is composed of great characters.

Oh yeah! aR is part of my team! We're sooo inseparable na. This is a great challenge to our productivity.

Fridays

Since I started working, I leave the office earliest on Fridays. Not to go someplace else or meet with someone [haha, I wish!] but to go home. I sometimes window-shop in Megamall but most of the time, I go immediately to my car and go home.

This morning, I almost got rundown by a car. I was in the pedestrian lane so I can't be blamed for jaywalking. The car was coming toward me so fast I froze for a second. Wearing 2+ inch heels with my bag and jacket in one arm and my laptop in the other, I tried running [which was actually, small, quick steps] which didn't help. Irony of ironies when there was an orientation by Maxicare, our health insurance provider.

Anyway, to make the short story shorter, I got this huuuge blister on my left big toe from "running". It was very painful to walk in them but I had no choice. It was more challenging when everyone in the office ate outside for lunch. This bonding session didn't really have an effect on me because we were the only group who were seated outside the restaurant. So, there you go...

I then learned that Alvin likes sentai [yung Japanese group super heroes] and even gave me an mp3 of the Tagalog version of the Maskman opening song. How lucky was that?!? I also told him that Ida [Fuma Lear's 'priestess'] from Shaider and Birugenia [Gorgom's saint sword warrior] from Mask Rider Black are played by one actor lang. Haha, and here we always thought Ida was a girl...

Anyway, aR and I decided to head home since I have nothing to do anymore. She accompanied me to Lyle to leave my laptop and jacket and change into slippers. I then decided to buy flats for office since most of the shoes I have have heels.

I swear that my near-car accident and blister will never happen again!

Early and Hungry

It's barely 7:15 in the morning. Once again, my service has been called for the sake of a loved one.

Mom needed a car.

So I have to take the CRV today. Woke up late so I barely had time to eat breakfast and take a bath. I was in the car with my face still a mess (ie no sunblock, moisturizer, lip gloss, frizzy hair, etc). It was a bright Thursday morning so I wasn't as sluggish as last week (last week was raining so the sun wasn't up till almost 8). I regret the fact that the sunblock I brought had only SPF 15 and I didn't have it in my face the whole time I was in the car.

Anyway, here I am, with superficial thoughts, ka-kikayan and whatnot. My stomach's grumbling and I'm sleepy.

Thank God for music!

And God bless little sisters who just wouldn't turn off the lights even if it was already 10PM, because they want to read their little historical romance novels and send SMS all night long!

;-P

Simple Joys

A simple hello goes a long way.

A pat on the back gives great relief.

A hug takes away all the stress.

I'm a simple person.

But how come I wish for so much?

It's the yearning that hurts...

And the fact that you can't have it with you hurts you all the more.