Sloppy

I think someone found my dirty little secret I've been keeping all these years... and this someone is not just someone I can just turn away and not see forever.

My fault...completely my fault. I can't clean up after myself when I'm caught in a huge mess and this leaves lots of evidence. If I were in a CSI episode, my episode would have ended in around 10 minutes, including the opening and ending themes.

This someone (call this person: XYZ) isn't letting me know that XYZ knows. Still keeping the same atmosphere as before. But recently, XYZ has been prying, creating unpredicted moves that sometimes knocks me off my feet.

Argh! Bad, bad girl. But you know, this little secret of mine is what keeps me going...kinda help me who I am now. Hey, I don't cut anymore, ok. ^__^ Scars mar my pretty skin.

For Once

I sent an SMS to both the team captains today and wished them luck at the University Games. It's weird to suddenly feel that semestral break is really a break for me. The past three years was nothing but training, competition and more training. It wasn't tedious... but it wasn't a beach party either, at least after the competition.

The past three years, I haven't gone a single trip with my blockmates. The block retreat in Tagaytay... the barkada trip in Baguio. It's either I'm away at a competition or being with dad in Jakarta. Well, you know, since it's going to be my last (collegiate) semestral break , I wanted to spend it with my friends.

We went to Enchanted Kingdom last Thursday. It was fun. Too bad Joan and Jake couldn't make it. Kinda disappointed that I didn't get to ride at least twice on each ride. I never knew I had motion-sickness--fearing friends. And those with speed, height and what-not issues. For me, screaming just takes the fear away. The daredevil in me cries out more! faster! higher!

It's the thrill that makes me shrill. The anticipated loops and downhill force with only gravity to rely on.
The rapids were the most fun because everyone got to enjoy it, despite the damp situation. It was the only ride we rode twice.

Ginny and I tried helplessly to change shirts in Abi's van. The lamp post directly hit the windows and there were people standing outside. Eventually, the others were already nearing the van. In the end, I changed clothes with everyone inside the van.

Being a person who lives in the south, I rarely go to ATC. It's the toll. We'd rather prefer Makati. Kris treated us to dinner. The baked scallops were heavenly. The flavor exploded in my mouth and it was really good.

We spent the night at Kris' place and goofed off before hitting the pillows. aR and I even talked about pridelands and Kris' elopement to the empty lot in front of her house. Gracie, my partner of the sem (classmates everywhere except theo and philo), and I (together with Pagong) shared a bed.

We lounged in Kris' house the next day. aR, Ginny and I went frolicking in the pool. I had almost wished I had gotten a tan.

I got to spend 2 whole days with my friends, and it wasn't in a group meeting.

Sartre's idea of God hinders the Exercise of the Finite yet Necessary Freedom by Human Subjectivity

(Jean-Paul) Sartre gives us this idea that the idea of God encloses us in a finite, and certain system. And this system prevents us from realizing our authentic self. That the idea of God gives us this notion that we are created with a pre-determined disposition in the universe. Because of this, man is believed to have a certain order: a human nature. That each human being supposedly created in God's image and likeness is an example of a universal idea that is Man.

He then argues that if God does not exist, this concept of a human nature is changed. Because man is created first, and then creates his existence, this concept called human is being reinvented. Because of this, Sartre gives us this responsibility that we are not just being human by ourselves but we involve humanity in this as well. There is no God to conceive the idea of human nature.

Therefore, we are given this task to define ourselves. We are given this outrageous freedom. Man is what he conceives and wills himself to be. We are no longer bound to the construct and idea of God. Man comes up and defines what is good and what is evil.

And so Sartre gives us 3 aspects that define human condition. Man involves himself and not only does he choose for himself; he becomes a lawmaker who also chooses for mankind. This anguish gives us a sense that each act done by man, he doesn't make it for himself~ he does it for all humanity.

The fact that God does not exist throws us in a world of abandonment. Like orphans, we are thrusted in a world of unknowns. And that we are alone with no one to help us and save us. The meaning of existence is all about you and no one else. Forlornness condemns us to be free. And that we can't start making excuses for ourselves. We are responsible.

As with despair, we live to confine ourselves with what depends on our wills. We are left in a realm of possibilities with not a single safety harness or a security blanket.

With all of these in mind, we are clear of the obstacle that we call God. A God that is a construct to explain things unknown. The cheap way out in understanding what we can never understand. But we have reached this point in time where man craves that certainty; where man wants the absolute. And suddenly, the idea of God becomes and age-old myth.

Man wants to be his own future. He want to be the captain of his ship. He wants to live in a world where man decides what he is and what others are. He determines the value of this affection, acts on it and then confirms and defines it. He wants to live in a world where he becomes someone. And this someone would not become a reality unless others recognize him as a someone. And being free is searching for your most authentic self. We are released from the shackles of an illusion that is absolute and that this absolute has already written your fate. We become true to our human condition and that our human existence is a life of invention and creativity.

But my dear reader, it is not in the idea of believing or not believing in God that we manifest ourselves as humans having the potential to be his authentic self. In is our own choice if we should believe in God or not. Some people can reach his authentic self through God. Some people feel confined or limited in a system that is created by the construct of God. The God question gets in the way. Man should focus on his own existence and freedom. There is nothing wrong in believing in God or rejecting Him. If doing either makes you a better person, then so be it.

Life is nothing without man to give it a meaning. Values are nothing else but the meaning that you choose. This freedom is nothing unless you live and go out of your safety zone. And this freedom desires both itself and the freedom of others. But freedom does not depend on others- but as soon as there is involvement, we are obliged to want others to have freedom at the same time that we want our own freedom. And given that man is free, and that there is no human nature to depend on, we cannot depend of others who we do not know by relying on human goodness or man's concern for the good of society. We reach our own self in the presence of others just as others are as real to us as our own self.

**Got a B here...ok ba?**

It Starts!

Today marks the official sem break for me. My last orals was Theology, yesterday morning. The whole Sunday afternoon was spent slaving over 11 thesis statements with Iking. We were in Starbucks from 12nn to around 6pm. It was non-stop fawning and injecting ideas, insights on liberation theology, original sin, sinful social structures, prophetic justice and what not.

I think it was all worth it. We both got really nice thesis statements. Nice meant that we have a lot to talk about it and we're both pretty confident we did better than the first orals.

After that murderous semester, I decided I deserve a treat (c/o dad ^__^). I picked up Gracie in her house...

...people in her house are so used to me coming over already that I don't need to call Gracie to let her know I'm outside her house. I literally get out of the car, open the gate myself, drive the car in, close the gate, park the car and just enter her house. Yes, I am the epitomy of being 'at home'.

We then went to Makati where we were supposed to meet the other DP after their defencse in CS176 (Electronic Publishing)

Side note: Our own CS project defense was a disaster! A stupid someone couldn't get the stupid links right. Ok, I'll leave it at that

Gracie and I ended up buying sports clothes because Nike (Gracie bought hers at Puma) was on sale (whoop-dee-doo!) and we promised ourselves that after sem break, we would lose weight and look MORE "desirable". ^__^ It's a nice motivation, don't you think? And we're doing this for ourselves, and no other.

We then found out that we would meet Ginny, Inca, aR, Rina and Abbie a little later because of some problems with their project. I just hope it wasn't as bad as ours... *thinks about it again and cries out in frustration*

I had to leave early because I had to fetch my sister in school. Sayang I wasn't able to eat with them or watch a movie but I told myself marami pang pagkakataon.

I can't decide on what to do first during my "almost" month long hiatus from school.

I've got my books lined up... I haven't even finished Harry Potter! And I have a lot of DVDs that I haven't watched either. hang out with friends I haven't seen in a while.

The fun starts!

Can't wait for Thursday! EK, here we come!

Grow up!

Guys, I need comments here! Kahit sa tagboard nalang. ^__^

Today was my rest day from all the havoc and chaos called college. Next week will be a new battle in the same war I like to call life. I decided to do my nails... *cough*... yes, despite my inclination to combat sports, jeans, rubber shoes and cracking knuckles whenever I see someone I'd love to bash, I am a girl, after all.

I needed help from mom to paint the nails in my left hand because I have ZERO control with my right hand. The color was great! It was a frosted pink kind and it looked really nice! I still can't stop staring at it.

After watching Extra Challenge (Mom really loves that series!), I decided to channel surf and came across HERO channel, the all-anime channel that's still on test broadcast. They were showing Zenki...and the last time I saw Zenki was 10 years ago...when I was in grade 5!

Mom used to prohibit me from watching cartoons before doing homework (but I was grateful in the end that she did), so it pushed me to learn how to work the VCR. Until now, I have about 5 VHS tapes of Zenki.

It made me really happy that I was able to see the anime that got me started with some of my current fashions.

Being 10 years older (and supposedly wiser) did not really make me grow out of watching cartoons. The crushes that I have in real life are my crushes because they resembled my crushes in the cartoon world. I have a teddy bear whom I can not let go, even if it means putting it in the laundry. I even had it with me for my creative pose in the grad pic!

How pathetic can you get? ^__^

Allergies and Bad Timing

Recently, my allergies have been getting worse. I've been getting monster headaches and I can't really study or even see clearly. Finals week is coming up and I really don't want to mess it up.

Despite my allergies to beef and potatoes, it was actually egg that sent me to the hospital...

Ok, that time was also bad. It was requirements week, a week before finals and I was rushed to the hospital. I wasn't able to take the Operations Management finals that day. Thankfully, I knew my teacher's number and was able to tell him. Our paper in that class was nearing the deadline so I asked my mom to bring my laptop to the hospital.

Can you imagine me, with a dextrose stuck in my right hand, and an oxygen tube in my nose (really uncomfortable... feels like I have a booger up my nose and it itches). I occasionally have to breathe through a nebulizer (you breathe into it using your mouth) while typing away, doing our paper on coated-lenses. Sometimes, blood would appear on the tube of the dextrose because I've been stressing my hand because of too much typing. Ok, no more gory scenes.

The nurses were asking me why I have my laptop when I should be resting. I told them school doesn't wait for anyone. We have a deadline and being in the hospital is no excuse. They asked me where I am studying so I told them I'm from Ateneo.

"Ah, high school ka? Hindi naman kabigat yung load namin dati."

I smiled at them warmly and told them I'm already in college.

They didn't seem to understand so they said, "Wow, hindi ka kasi mukhang kolehiyana e."

Yeah, it made my nose itch some more.

So starting today, I've been taking larger doses of antihistamine and bringing painkillers to school. Pain's distracting especially when I'm studying so I'll just hope my liver can cope with morphine-like medicine.

I wish this sem would end sooner.

But then again, it's like speeding up college... which is something I would not want to happen... haha, prolong the agony.